Slowing down

slow·down

[sloh-doun]

 

noun

 

1. a slowing down or delay in progress, action, etc.

My soul has been heavy these last months. Tired. Confused. Restless. Stressed. I think we all have times in our life and during our walk with our Creator where these times happen. Why? Is it so we can dig deep enough to change something He wants us too?

Why yes, He whispers.

Yes, sweet child of mine it is.

He was telling me this.

"Molly, you must slow down to hear me."

Did I listen?

No, in fact I kept going with the pressures and busyness of  life in what are culture says we "have to do." I became even more restless and stressed, I needed to keep going so I wouldn't have to listen. Guess what!? I don't do this well.

Heaviness set in.

No longer could I keep busy. I had to slow down.

Humor me. It's easy for us to ask our kids "Listen to me!" "Would you slow down and listen to me!" I find myself asking my kids, "give me your eyes and listen to me!"  Funny thing is God was asking me the same thing.  We expect our children to stop and listen, yet I can't do this for God?

After weeks of gently tugging at me, I had become stressed out enough in life that finally I just threw my hands up in the air and said "ok you got me! I will listen."

You know what!?

He was telling me slow down!

What matters? Money? Sports? Hustle and bustle of going here, there and everywhere!? No, it's slowing down taking in those moments of life around me.

Fast forward 3 months. I was on a plane alone bound for Florida. No kids. No husband. Me, a dark night and a red eye flight. 7 days with sweet dear friends. God knew. Pressing. Digging and searching began. He spoke to my soul. I was about to have seven days to really seek God in this next stage of life of having three kids in school, new home, relationships with friends, community and how that is suppose to look. He was asking me to take a step back from the busyness and truly focus on our family and home. It was so refreshing to take a deep breath from the busyness of life...the go, go, go, go mentality was tiring.  I realized it's easy for me to get caught up in what "others" want me doing. This was something I needed to work on. I needed to stop. Really think about what God wanted me doing. Not others.

It is by no accident that God brings certain people into our lives at certain times. He can truly use them to speak to us. The question is do you listen? Do you really stop and listen?  I am so thankful and blessed by my trip. God used a very special women to speak into me. God used her by example in her actions and through deep talks that it's ok to go at a pace I can handle. He used her to show me to soak up what's in front of me, that I need to take it day to day. Not to over commit. To focus on most importantly my relationship with Jesus. To soak Him up on a daily basis to get through those busy days. That I need those intimate relationships and friendships to get through this thing we call "life." I realized if I kept moving through life at this speed and was not willing to slow down and appreciate life, I was going to miss out on what God had in store for me.

I won't lie, this is a huge challenge for me. I have to strategically think through my week and sometimes down to the day to not get "caught up" and "over commit" in the hustle and bustle of life around me. I am constantly waiting on Him to guide me on this Journey we call life.

Thank You Jesus, for being patient with me and showing me how to slow down.

I was very blessed to be able to go spend seven beautifully warm, sunny days on the beaches of Florida slowing down, seeking Him and waiting on Him to speak to me.

The LORD is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him. – Lamentations 3:25

Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound

I will not fear March. I tell myself this every year. Do you know those times when God is speaking to you through everything you see in your day? I have been having that over the last couple months. It is in anticipation for what is to come. Mourning...loss...a hurting heart. March rolls around and I dread it. A long looming, grey month for me. I see flowers blooming, trees budding, longer days, spring sunsets, snow melting, but for me, still, a grey and looming month. I dread it every year. It passes ever so slowly. In fact, sometimes I wish I could go to sleep March 1st and wake up April 1st.

10 years ago, I was pregnant with our second baby, awaiting a summer birth. I loved feeling her little kicks and hiccups. Around this time we found out our sweet baby girl had quietly passed into the arms of Jesus. This was one of the hardest things to experience. To know we would never hear her first cry, see her crawl, walk or talk.

I questioned God's plan. With every being of me...struggling to keep my head above water...why would He bring us to this place. I was at one of my lowest points I can ever remember being.

God brought me to this and He was the only one that was going to get me through it.

I so desperately needed Him.

He carried me through those water's I thought I wouldn't get through. His love was and always will be.

Even though March is hard, he brings me healing in the pain.

A Journey.

A new understanding of my Faith.

Spring...

with every passing year it get's a little better.

New start...new life...a time for healing.

He restored my soul. He was healing in my pain. He was my shelter in the storm.

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound...

I hear you singing over me...

It's a beautiful sound....

Hallelujah, you restored my soul.

Mackenzie Faith March 26, 2004

 

Love

Love: [verb] to love or have affection for another person; be in love.

I found my love at a young age. I remember seeing those blue eyes and the gentle way he talked and new he was the guy for me! I also loved his tall stature his dark skin and dark hair. I was attracted to his quiet, but strong personality. I love how he scans a room listens to others and then responds. I love to watch him think and process life. He has a very BIG opinion, he just has a certain way of sharing it with you. He his passionate about military, government and anything related to politics. He respects others opinions even if they slam his.


Sadar City, Baghdad 2005

He has served our country with love and without complaint. He has endured death, war, heat and conditions most would never volunteer for. Ryan's love for the Lord and desire to be a good steward and servant is very evident. He seeks God in everything he does. I love how we laugh at each other and can finish each other's sentence's! Ryan's love for our children and his tender heart for them his so BIG. I love how he loves going to his job to provide for our family. This wonderful man never left my side last year in the hospital. He spent 67 nights sleeping in a chair or a yucky pullout. Helped me back and for the from the bathroom countless times day and night. Held my hair when I threw up, held my hand and caressed my head when I was in more pain then one could imagine. For seven months he cleaned all 4 of my drains without complaint even when they smelled. He helped me shower, brushed my hair when I couldn't. Ryan held it together when we lost Mackenzie, when I was at my worst, depressed not wanting to get out of bed, he was there for me. He made big decisions for us when I couldn't process what should happen next. He's been my backbone when I have needed him at my absolute worst. When he left for war he made sure I received flowers, cards and gifts on birthdays or special holidays.


Smith Rock 2011

I can't say enough about this wonderful man. God has blessed me beyond what I could imagine. Ryan, I love you! I love you more than I can say in words. My heart still skips a beat when you walk in a room. Your kiss still takes my breath away! Life with you is an adventure and I LOVE it! You keep me on my toes. Thank you for choosing me to be your wife and the mother of your children! You have been the greatest gift. I love you babe!


Tumalo Fall's 2012



Longing....

About this time of year I find myself longing, yearning, thinking, daydreaming and wanting a little slice of our life in Savannah. I have asked myself many times why I have this longing? Sometimes on days where the sun trickles in through my windows I instantly go back to my chair that I would sit at near my window in Savannah looking outside at the moss hanging from those gorgeous oak trees that I love so much. Sometimes I can even smell Savannah, yes it has its own smell, thick air, the warm sun on the swamp that surrounds the “the little southern city” we called home. The bug’s buzzing in the evening when I would sit with my girlfriends at night have a glass of wine or sweet tea, visit, catch up and watch our little brood of kiddos playing with sidewalk chalk and hoses with water trickling out on our drives. The sun setting to the west of our home behind the thick moss layered trees. I long for the day’s Ryan would come home with his uniform on, we would sit on our back patio catch up on what his next training or deployment would be and watch Madi play on her play structure. The lightening at night, the rumble of thunder  as I would read on the couch with my love sitting next to me.  Days of sitting by the pool with my friends, our morning walks with kids in strollers, afternoon’s calling each other  trying to figure out who was making the best meal and eating together.  Ryan and I every Saturday morning going to our “favorite” breakfast spot  Clary’s Cafe on one of the famous squares in downtown and playing in the park with our sweet Madi afterward. Even the sad moments loosing our baby girl, moving into a house we built with my love at war, not knowing when he would return. Those long deployments, long nights and training’s our soldiers and the wives endure. I know one of the things I miss is our “Army Family” the closeness, the intimacy of how our lives and how they are inner twined, going on post seeing families who are experiencing the same trials and hardships you are, watching my husband lead his soldiers and his love for our country.  Even those teary moments at the company headquarters when I would say good bye for months and sometimes a year or more to my love. The part of our life that was just “us” we only had each other, Ryan and I were doing “Army life” together 3000 miles away from our hometown. We were it! For some reason every year at this time my heart and mind go back to those memories, the unknown, joyous, exciting, sad and scary times. I miss them, I really do, I think I always will. So on this night as I write about this, I have a vivid video in my head of all the people, places, smells and experiences that we had in our wonderful life in Savannah. Oh how I long to be there again for just a little while and I feel so blessed by all those experiences that God brought us through. Ryan and I ask each other often why we go back to that sweet time in our minds and hearts, were not totally sure but it changed us and we often say even though it was some of the hardest years of our life it was some the best as well.

Family Photo Shoot

Well we did it! We finally had a family photo shoot. My dear friend A'leah offered her time and camera to take some great pictures! She did a great job. We feel so blessed she did this for us. After deciding on what we would wear and where we would go, we were able to get some awesome pictures of our family. I prayed we would have happy faces, good cooperation, good hair (for me) and sweet moments captured. My prayers were answered. Here are some of my favorite photo's taken of us through our home town.

Family Photo Shoot Preview.....

We had some pictures taken by our friend who dabs in photography a little. This is just a glimpse of what she did! Thank's A'leah for a great night and so many great photo's to choose from!

Summer Evening with Friends

Many of you know I'm very social! I get my energy from others. Party's, friends, food...um YES PLEASE! Well it always helps to have friends who need and like the same thing. In fact with these friends it doesn't matter if were hanging by the pool, fire, watching a movie, shooting our guns in zero degree weather with 2 feet of snow or eating over a plate of yummy food we have made together WE LOVE being with them. The Moss family is family, they have known Ryan and I forever and we can always find an excuse to do something or make up some sort of something to have a party! In fact we will spend our time when were together planning another get together! So on this night it was early summer, warm and a great thunderstorm rolling over those gorgeous mountains that sit at the end of there property. It's a magical place for our kids, they can run and play for hours! Literally get lost out in the woods, running through the hay fields, snuggling kitties, little lambs or riding horses! DP Walker Ranch is without a doubt one of our families favorite places. It has been a refuge for me this last year. Our home away from home! Thank you Moss family for loving us all these years! It's been a lot of years! We look forward to more nights, long weekends, summer days and snowy afternoons spent out at our favorite place with some of our favorite peeps! This is just a glimpse of our fun times together.



Kiddos running across the field.



Running to see the rockets we were launching.

Karen, myself and Allison.

Literally my favorite place to look at.

Our pool party in the thunderstorm.

Addy and I getting warm in the shower!

Shooting a favorite at our house!



If you know Ryan and I well at all you know one of our favorite things to do together is shoot! I find it so fun! A little surge of excitement when you put the bullet in the barrel and shoot! The sound afterwards and trying to see if you hit your target right on...and yes my saying is, there is nothing sexier than a man in uniform and a man with a gun! I'm a lucky girl I get both. My brother and his girlfriend came into town for some fun time out on the range. So if you are ever wanting to go shooting just call us up, we provide the guns and the ammo, we always like a good time! We had a little hiccup though towards the tail end of our afternoon of shooting that involved a good lesson on gun safety. Just a little hint...it involved a hefty bill from a plastic surgeon! Enjoy.

Ry and Garrett talking about gun safety and targets.



Getting the guns ready.

Love me a man with gun!

One of my favorite things to do.

Mommy and Addy chatting!

Ryan and Jim getting ready to zero in on the new scope.

Almost there!

Madi trying out uncle Jim's gun.

Yes kids, this is what happens when you play with guns!



9 stiches later.



13 + 1 =14

We had the privilege of adding one more sister to the Oster clan in July. I have to say one of the best parts of marrying into a family of all boy's is getting to finally have sister's! We are blessed to have April as part of the family now. She is a great addition with lot's of great talents, plus my baby brother in law has a sparkle in his eye every time he sees her! The wedding was beautiful and they had a wonderful honeymoon to Hawaii. Congrat's Jeff and April, we love you!

Dinner Rehearsal with all the Oster boy's and there wives!

Sister's!

The entire Oster Family.



A Journey with Jesus

I know it’s been awhile since I have updated anything on our family. With good reason, I think. I just recently hit my one year anniversary of doctors finding my tumor. As many as you know our family hit a little curve in the road, a trial, a growth spurt, a journey with Jesus. Wow, has this been an amazing time of reflection, growth, tears, scares and complete brokenness. I was asked recently by a friend, “What did you learn this year? What do you think this journey was about?” Honestly I couldn’t answer her without balling like a baby. So my response to her was, “I think I am still getting a glimpse and understanding and I am not sure if I will ever know.” I left it at that and went on with my day, though it had me racking my brain asking, “God what was this about?” As I hit my one year anniversary I had an hour of reflection, talking with God, reading letters, emails and cards. I came across another email from a friend that asked a very similar question, why does God continue to bring trials into our lives?


The picture they drew for us before my first surgery.

I had months to lie in bed and reflect on what God was and is continuing to do in our lives. I ponder the ten years of trials in our life and family. Crying out, why God, why did you take our baby girl Mackenzie, why did Ryan go to war having our family separated and now a tumor with so many complications that will forever change my life! Now after all that I have been through I am stuck in bed, sick, not being able to be the wife and mom I want to be. Why? I think God wanted me to be vulnerable and seek Him in a way I never had. I know in those darkest moments of thoughts and questions He remained constant and sovereign. God continues to whisper in my ear, speak to my spirit and touch my heart with the journey he has me on. Even though we go through heartache, he will never forsake us. He won’t leave me even when I feel my worst. 

My induced coma at OHSU after my 2nd surgery getting ready for the 3rd.

 I remember having a conversation with a dear friend shortly after we had Mackenzie. Many tears were shed with this friend and she shared with me God will use you; he will use you in a way you never thought he would. He will take the pain you have right now and he will use that pain to help someone else going through loss and sorrow. There is something more to this and His picture is so much bigger than you can imagine. Little did I know that our loss of our precious little girl, my husband going to war, would be preparing me for what would lay ahead.

This summer a very sweet gal was brought into my life for reasons similar to ours. She and her husband just recently lost their sweet baby boy. I did not know her personally. In fact when I was asked to chat with her, I had no idea what would lay ahead. I just happened to give a short version of our loss of Mackenzie and if she ever needed to talk I would be here. Well she did contact me and I, without a doubt, know God knew we needed to meet. Our stories and how we met is part of God’s plan. When having dinner with her this last week I had that moment where the light bulb went on, in awe of what God was doing right before my eyes. To see this come full circle and try and reason or make sense of something I thought I may be reading too much into you. The only thing that I got was a whisper a pounding at my heart from Jesus saying, “Molly, there is a reason for this, your heartache, your tumor, your bump in the road is going to be used for my purpose, to share and encourage another couple who has this same heartache.” We forever have a connection with this couple. We have both had stillborn babies. I have had the privilege of sharing with her what it was like for me and how God saw me through this incredibly hard time in our lives. I don’t know where she and her husband are exactly in their faith or how they feel about Jesus, but I know we are here to share with them how much Jesus loves them. How his desire is for an intimate relationship and for them to seek Him through this incredibly hard time in their lives.



March 26, 2004 Mackenzie Faith's pretty little feet.

 I have been sharing with Ryan over the last year and more recently I have had this continued pounding at my heart, lump in my throat, that God is trying to tell me more. Every message, every song, every conversation is pointing me back to this same thing. All of these trials, none bigger than the other, was to grow me, to take God at his word and to choose to believe that He is good even when we’re suffering. The truth is He is the only thing that is constant, our rock, He is the only one that will never change and no matter what we’re walking through we can rest assured that He will never forsake us, not for one moment.
I know there is more to this story, this journey. I know God is gently knocking at my heart to share my story. I have lots to share. I am not sure how that looks or how I am to do this. I just know my love for Jesus and my desire to seek Him is even bigger now. I am patiently waiting for His timing as to how the rest of His story for me and our family will be.  Thank you to all of you who supported us and prayed for our family during our trials. God knew we would need the body of Christ to help and encourage us through these tough times.



“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Soccer

Fall=Soccer! It was so fun watching Garrett play a second season of soccer. He is so good at it. He handled the ball so well and was awesome at making goals! Ryan and I are seeing a very competitive side to Garrett. He is very determined and is a great about encouraging his other teammates. I see so much of Ryan in him! Super competitive!! We find ourselves encouraging him to keep it on the field and to remember to encourage the other team, be a good sportsman. Since this year he wasn't tackeling anyone we thought we were doing good. He is such a sweet, cuddly little boy and I love that he wants to do well at what he is doing. He loves soccer and said he can't wait for soccer again! Good Season, way to go Puma's!